I Tried to Get Horny with Weed Aphrodisiacs
2/14 goes 420.
Valentine's Day is upon us once again, like some ancient anxiety demon surfacing from the Mariana Trench in need of its annual blood sacrifice. Fortunately, the stresses of finding gifts, securing dinner reservations, and smoke-screening side pieces might soon dissipate thanks to the multibillion dollar (and growing) legal cannabis industry.
Looking to make their THC and CBD-infused products as synonymous with romance as chocolates and flowers, everyone from mom-and-pop growers all the way up to Big Cannabis corps has begun to dip their toes into the aphrodisiac market. As someone who enjoys both sex and being high, I decided to try out a variety of these products to see if any could get me in the mood for Valentine's romance and finally offer an alternative to the sketchy truck-stop libido pills I've become so dependent on.
As the copy explains it, "Foria pleasure brings the power of ancient plant medicine to your fingertips. Inspire healing and unlock pleasure with an all-natural sensual enhancement oil designed specifically for women."
As I am not a woman, I was entirely dependent on my partner's feedback for this product. The instructions told her to spray the cannabis oil-based product "directly onto the clitoris, inner and outer labia, and inside the vagina." Then, as it takes about 15 minutes or so to hit, we were encouraged to engage in foreplay while it got to work. Once the effects were felt, she was free to pleasure herself alone or with a partner.
The whole notion of telling someone to rub something on their genitals and then attempting to take credit when—lo and behold—all that rubbing gets them aroused certainly gave me pause and made me harken back to Steve Martin's "Penis Beauty Cream" sketch on SNL, but the Fioria pleasure seemed to deliver on its promise.
For the sake of all parties, including you, the reader, I'll spare the gory details of what came after the absorption period. Suffice to say, the spray undoubtedly enhanced my partner's pleasure and even gave me a bit of a contact high.
Foria also offers a product optimized for anal play. The "Explore" suppository promised to give a non-psychotropic high to whomever inserted it into his or her anus and, although neither of us were prepared to receive any organs or organ-size toys in that orifice, we gave the suppositories the old college try to see if they could help bring about any topical horniness.
I opened the first suppository and a glob of gel oozed out. "How is that supposed to go up my butt?" I wondered aloud. Turns out, I hadn't kept the Explore pack properly stored, and anywhere north of room temperature melts the little buggers. A few minutes in the freezer firmed up the remaining products, and my girl and I put these now chilly pen-cap-size slugs up our bums and waited for them to dissolve.
After the tingly effects kicked in, we poked, prodded, and licked around a little to find that, indeed, our nerves had been "modulated" by the THC and "more pleasant signals" were hitting our brains. That said, our messing around with numb buttholes was more akin to when you self-experiment on your post-dentist Novocained tongue than an erotic endeavor.
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